All Psyched Up: Wishing and hoping
By Medicine Hat News on May 11, 2018.
Have you ever had someone tell you that they weren’t interested in having a relationship with you? That can be a devasting thing to hear. Everyone wants to be loved and cared for. Did you find it hard to let go? Did you minimize the message and hang on to a fantasy hoping that with time the person would change their mind? Unfortunately, when we feel lonely or needy, it is easy to fall into a fantasy world where reality is downplayed. Feeling sorry for people can also keep us trapped in unhealthy relationships where our needs aren’t met. We try harder and harder to help the other person without anything in return except abuse and disrespect. Fear is an emotion that can stop us from setting up healthy boundaries. When we think that we will disappoint, upset or lose another person we can sacrifice our own needs repeatedly until we are miserable and ill. Gabor Mate is a Canadian psychiatrist who has written a very interesting book titled “When the Body Says No.” In it, he tells the stories of clients he has treated who suffered from serious diseases such as cancer, Parkinson’s and Multiple Sclerosis. They all had one thing in common. Each of them was focussed on meeting the needs of others and ignoring the trauma that they had experienced in their own lives. We have all heard about how Type A people are very goal-oriented and competitive. They push forward with passion until they get what they want. Type B personalities are more balanced and less stressed about life. Mate’s profiles are what he describes as Type C. These are individuals who may appear to be quiet and thoughtful but under the surface are frustrated and angry. Rather than asserting themselves, they tend to focus on pacifying others. Because they push their emotions down and deny needs, their bodies break down. Healthy relationships have several things in common: 1. Communication is clear and respected. When someone says something, the other person believes them and respects the message. 2. Boundaries are good. Each person knows where they stop, and the other person begins. They take responsibility for their own actions and allow the other person to be responsible for their actions. 3. Forgiveness is given but negative patterns are confronted rather than forgiven repeatedly without change being witnessed. 4. Needs are recognized for both parties and each person endeavors to help them be met. 5. Values are shared and honoured by both. We live in an age of speed where we are used to getting what we want quickly. Entering a relationship quickly, however, can be deceiving because sometimes people tend to say what they think you want to hear rather than reveal who they really are. It is better to take time to get to know another person before you enter a serious relationship. It takes time and not just words to make an accurate assessment. And remember, you can meet a lot of wonderful people but that doesn’t mean that they are a good match for you! You have to know yourself and your own needs before you can find the most suitable partner. Finally, if you are more committed to another than they are to you, it is time to look in the mirror. Perhaps you need to take appropriate action to improve your situation. Wishing and hoping just aren’t enough! Dr. Linda Hancock (www.LindaHancock.com) is the author of “Life is an adventureÉevery step of the way” and “Open for Business Success” is a Registered Psychologist who has a private practice in Medicine Hat, Alberta Canada. She can be reached at 403-529-6877 or through email office@drlindahancock.com 20-19
