By the Way: Reflecting on shame, judgment over compassion
By Medicine Hat News on October 14, 2017.
Heat. It rushes into my face in a bloom of colour and sweat, sinking rapidly down through my throat to condense into a tense knot in my stomach. I want to put my hair up because my neck is suddenly uncomfortably warm. The knot in my stomach spreads and I feel it in my jaw and eyes. For me, the last step is realizing the anger I had been lashing out with mere minutes before has been overcome by the emotion it was trying to cover all along: the despair of deep shame. Unsuccessfully blinking back tears, I look away, duck my head, desperately wishing to disappear. Shame. As Brené Brown points out in “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from ‘What Will People Think?’ to ‘I Am Enough’,” just saying the word tends to shut down conversation. We may all experience it differently, yet we know what it feels like and it is something we know we don’t want to feel. Lately I’ve been reflecting on shame: The shame people can feel over addiction, mental illness, self-harm, suicide, sexual assault, abuse, divorce, money, sex, education, family. The shame the church can contribute to when we lift up a culture of judgment over a culture of compassion. Dr. Brown describes the distinction between shame and guilt “as the differences between ‘I am bad’ (shame) and ‘I did something bad’ (guilt)” (p.13). She also points out that “Shame is about the fear of disconnection” (p. 20) — the fear that if people truly knew us, they could never accept us, never love us. Throughout her book, she demonstrates that building our resilience to shame and healing from shame involves meaningful connection with others. Throughout the Gospels, Jesus shows compassion to people on the edges of society. “Compassion” has roots in Latin, meaning “suffering with.” Jesus enters into relationship with the people no one else would go near. They experience healing, are saved from the judgment of others when the judgmental remember they too have made mistakes. The story of Christ is the story of a universe-infusing love manifested in one human, reminding all of creation that we are loved to the point of death and beyond. We can’t earn our way into this love, or out of it. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18) We are called to connect compassionately with those on the edges of our congregations and families and communities. To listen when they reach out to us, to let each other know we are not alone — we may not make the same mistakes, but we all make mistakes, do things we regret, feel “less than.” The open secret here is that there are times every one of us feels alone and on the edges of our congregations and families and communities. If we can work up the courage to reach out to people who can help us feel connected again, together we can confess our mistakes without also condemning our creation. The Living Water we share in love can quench the heat of shame and cast out fear, encouraging us to make amends, move forward and grow in the image of God we have been all along. The Rev. Chelsea Masterman is a member of the ministry team at Westminster, Gordon Memorial, and Peace United Churches. 8-7
