All Psyched Up: It’s complex!

By Linda Hancock on February 8, 2025.

I remember years ago when a client was talking about her ex-husband. She asked me,” What do you get when you take control away from a control freak?” The answer was “A freak.” Funny but sad.

Over the years I have learned a lot about how people handle themselves and it’s complex. First of all, following the Stages of Psychosocial Development by psychologist Erik Erickson we learn that from birth to one year of age there is a conflict between trust and mistrust. If a baby cries and no one comes to help, that baby adopts a state of mistrust that can last for life.

Other circumstances over the years can deepen the mistrust. Perhaps a teacher wasn’t kind, an employer showed unfairness, or a lover abandoned the person, and the situation became more engrained. I notice that this is often evident in the lives of my Veterans who have experienced the trauma of war and when discharged find it hard to trust anyone.

Those who do not trust, usually feel fearful. They develop an ego or shield to protect themselves from vulnerability. The fear and ego limit their choices and activities, leading to isolation and a strong desire to have control. It is all about protecting oneself from being hurt again.

Next comes anger. If a person is pushed to a point that they feel out of control, they might react very negatively.

Emotions tend to come in tantum. Underlying anger is usually a fear that fuels the anger. Often, I have observed and asked strong men about why they use raised voices and colourful language to vent inappropriately. They would quickly explain that someone (often the wife) had agitated them. I would then ask, “What are you afraid of?” only to have a snapped replied “I’m not afraid of anything!” Then I would say “Are you afraid that she doesn’t respect you and would get an affirmative reply. They didn’t realize that the anger as a defense because of their fear.

Most people don’t like to admit that they are afraid and don’t like to feel intense anger, but they don’t understand that these reactions have deep-seated roots.

So, if someone reacts in a manner that you think is strange, think about this article. Is this a person who doesn’t trust easily? S/he likely learned not to trust many years ago. Do they blow up, break down, or run away at times without explanation? Perhaps they are triggered by the situation and cannot even understand or explain why they are doing this. Have they built a shield around themselves for protection?

Here’s what I have learned. When someone loses control, is fearful, runs away, lacks trust and responds in anger, it is likely not because of something you have said or done. They might try to blame you, but it is really their own unresolved issues that are causing this.

So, what can you do? First of all, examine yourself. Are there things that you are doing which are unacceptable in society or making you feel guilty? Where and when did you start acting like this? What do you want to change about yourself? All healing begins with awareness.

Secondly, don’t try to be the other person’s therapist. There are lots of professionals who can help – if the person who concerns you is willing to get help. If not, set healthy boundaries to protect yourself but, at the same time, try to understand that the other person might have such ingrained patterns of behaviour that they don’t understand and therefore can’t correct easily.

Life is complex. The good news is that we can always grow and improve. We just have to be curious and willing to put in the effort!

Dr. Linda Hancock, the author of “Life is An Adventure…every step of the way” and “Open for Business Success” is a Registered Psychologist who has a private practice in Calgary. She can be reached by email at office@drlindahancock.com

14
-13