All Psyched Up: Let them fail

By Linda Hancock on November 2, 2024.

We all want the best for those who we love. Unfortunately, sometimes we try harder than they do and end up preventing them from learning, growing and succeeding in life.

Think about the child who doesn’t do assignments or apply himself in class. When I worked in schools I was surprised by how the teachers and principals were often harassed by parents. My mom was a teacher in the days when parents respected the education system and held their children to accountability, while always being eager to tutor the child so they could pass.

I stopped teaching in the post-graduate program when I realized that students believed all they had to do was pay their course registration fees to be guaranteed an “A”.

Sometimes people cover for partners or family members who are addicted to substances or unhealthy activities. They phone employers stating that the person has the flu; pay all living expenses when they lose their job (again) or go to Court to reduce consequences for repeat offenders.

I remember many years ago when parents came to therapy for help with their adolescent daughter. They wanted to know if they should increase her $50.00 per month allowance. I asked what the expectations were for her and they said she was to attend school, be home at 9 p.m. on weeknights, empty the dishwasher and keep her bedroom clean. They hadn’t seen her in days but thought that perhaps raising her allowance would help her to buy food preventing her from getting into trouble on the streets. I stated that increasing her allowance might get her into more trouble than she was in and could actually provide her with drug money.!

The parents weren’t sleeping at night, leaving the door unlocked, always with a watchful eye, hoping that she would come home. It was difficult to change their patterns but they began locking the door at 9 p.m.. One cold night she slept on the deck in a lawn chair. That girl is now a responsible professional who learned about boundaries and consequences.

A former supervisor taught me that when we are doing more than the client, we are doing too much! Compassion can easily turn into enabling if we lose our focus!

If you are feeling resentment, stress, fatigue or sadness about someone in your life who isn’t making good choices, it is time to look in the mirror. Why do you think that you have to do what the other person isn’t willing to do? As strange as it sounds, people do not change until life doesn’t work for them anymore. If you are making it work for them, they won’t change!

It is hard to watch with fingers crossed, always hoping that they will hit the proverbial “bottom” only to find that under the “bottom” is a basement. It takes time and strong boundaries on your part to help him face consequences that will lead to positive change.

Sounds pretty harsh but my advice to you this week is “Let them fail”. This could be the best lesson that will refer to when they get through the chaos and give their testimony.

You can’t get them into therapy but you sure improve your life and approach by going on your own!

Dr. Linda Hancock, the author of “Life is An Adventure…every step of the way” and “Open for Business Success” is a Registered Psychologist who has a private practice in Calgary. She can be reached by email at office@drlindahancock.com

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