All Psyched Up: Relationships
By Linda Hancock on September 7, 2024.
According to the Centers for Disease Prevention and Control as cited on Terry & Roberts Law firm website the current divorce rate in the U.S. is around 42%. Also stated is that there are 86 divorces every hour and 230 marriages every hour. Estimates are that 41% of first marriages will end in divorce, as many as 60% of second marriages won’t make it and third marriages end in divorce 73% of the time. The average lifespan of a first marriage before divorce is eight years. From a Canadian perspective, the divorce rate has been dropping since the 1990s and reached a low in 2020 of 5.6 per 1,000 married people – the lowest since 1973. We need to consider the fact though that not as many people are getting married as in the past. I frequently talk with clients who are going through relationship difficulties. Sometimes they struggle with their romantic partners. Co-workers, children, extended family members and even neighbours can be a source of stress. The most frequent issues for bylaw enforcers I am told involve barking dogs and fencing. So, what can be done to ease the tension. Here are a few ideas: 1. Consider the needs of the other person. Are you just focused selfishly on what you want without considering the needs of the other person? If you don’t know what you and the other person need, you will never be able to ensure that the needs are met. 2. Are you willing to listen carefully to gain some understanding before jumping into action? Two ears and one mouth! 3. Have you been asking good questions rather than firmly stating what you believe to be the solution for everyone? Assessment to gain understanding takes time and effort. 4. Is there research or consulting that could be done to gain insight? Perhaps studying the bylaws, talking with a therapist or meeting with the school personnel will help you to gain perspective on the situation at hand? 5. Are you willing to compromise? Is there a way that your interests and the interests of the other person can be satisfied? 6. Do you believe there is a solution that will not damage or destroy the relationship further? It might be tempting to stand firm and see things in “all or nothing” terms to the detriment of long-term consequences. 7. Is there a lesson to be learned from this situation? Are you in a pattern of having the same difficulties over and over again with the same or different people? Maybe you have a blind spot that is preventing you from learning and making positive change. 8. How can you use self-care practices to deal with stress? Would taking a walk, having a sleep or enjoying a hobby help you to approach things more calmly? 9. Do you believe that taking time and giving space might help both of you to calm done and then approach things in a better manner? 10. Are you willing to show grace and let the other person “win” or “agree to disagree” rather than lose the relationship? Each relationship is unique, and we all face tension and stress at times. The best way to deal with the issues is to start by ensuring that you are calm, knowledgeable, willing to communicate and wise in determining your priorities. You can’t win them all and maybe shouldn’t even try. However, winning one battle and losing the war doesn’t seem to make much sense. Do you want the relationship or not? Do you want to be respected and maintain a good reputation as a mature individual? Your choice will help you to determine your actions. Dr. Linda Hancock, the author of “Life is An Adventure…every step of the way” and “Open for Business Success” is a Registered Psychologist who has a private practice in Calgary. She can be reached by email at office@drlindahancock.com 20-19
