All Psyched Up: Are you happy or needy?

By DR. LINDA HANCOCK on September 2, 2023.

Over the summer I have been taking some professional development courses on defectiveness and relationships. I always try to choose topics that will give me more insight and strategies to help my clients, and these were excellent.

The instructors focused on how people often feel like they do not have any worth and spend most of their time rehearsing mistakes of the past in order to justify this. Often what they think about had original roots in slight errors they made as long ago as in childhood. Their negative thoughts lead to negative emotions and negative behaviours.

The people who I am describing are lonely. They think that they are flawed or defective and therefore they believe that anyone who wants to have a relationship with them is also flawed for having poor judgement. As a result, they push people away and live with both regret and loneliness.

Having a healthy relationship can also be difficult for those who are needy. Some people believe they cannot be happy unless they have a partner and, because of this, they start chasing the first person who shows a little interest in them. Their kindness is evident but strange as it might seem, they give too much to the other person and an unhealthy power balance is established.

Being so needy and vulnerable means others can take advantage. Others might shun them when excessive one-sided giving leads to uncomfortable feelings or expectations and obligations. Even text messages, phone calls and invitations made with good intentions can be very annoying for someone who doesn’t want to reciprocate at the same level.

If you are reading this and think that I am describing your situation, here are some things to consider:

1. Forgive others. Most people think they can’t forgive someone else because it lets that person off the hook when they don’t deserve it. This is not true. When you can’t forgive others, you are the one who is still on the hook. In fact, the other person might not even know you are upset with them. You are the one who is losing sleep and harboring negative feelings.

2. Forgive yourself. When you hold onto human errors that are long past it is like putting yourself into an emotional jail where the ruminated memories fester into poor physical and mental health. The past is gone and cannot be changed. Let it go! There is a wonderful expression that states: “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Start today with a clean slate and a vow to do better.

3. Learn to be happy. You do not need to have another person in your life to fill your needs or to bring you joy. In fact, when you make an effort to create an interesting life, you become more attractive to other people who will want to share your positive attitude and energy with you.

Every morning, write down one goal you will pursue that day in your personal, business or family life. Make sure that each week you do one brand new activity that you have never done in the past.

Become your own best friend. Dress up for you and ensure that your needs are being met in an amazing manner.

I have lived alone for 33 years. People often ask me why I do not have a partner and the answer is always the same. When you are 95% happy in your life, you know how much you are blessed and don’t want to risk that! I also realize that there are many, many activities that I would not have the time or energy to do if I had a partner.

So, begin creating an amazing life that you can enjoy every day. And, it won’t be long until you become so interesting and attractive that I believe others will want to be part of it!