The Human Condition: Passing the princess test

By Medicine Hat News Opinion on March 11, 2021.

Years ago I dated a single mother with a young daughter obsessed with Disney princesses. She loved all things princess-y and made it her goal in life to become a princess through sheer force of will.

One day as we walked through a parking lot she threw a lollipop wrapper on the ground. Wanting to impress upon her the importance of not littering, I explained to her that she would never pass The Princess Test doing such things. She eagerly asked me what the Princess Test was, and listened with rapt attention.

If there was such a test, she was going to pass it at all costs. So I explained to her that princesses have to pass the test like a driver’s test or an entrance exam into university; to qualify for princessdom you have to earn it, be the ideal princess during a probationary period (childhood). And of course that meant brushing your teeth, going to bed when Mommy says, eating your vegetables, doing your homework, and especially, not randomly throwing around lollipop wrappers. After that you never saw a child so enthusiastically eat vegetables, brush her teeth, go to bed at 8:30 pm, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, and not dunk her Barbie doll’s head into her morning cereal.

Now of course I lied. I used casual deception to get her to do the right thing. As adults we don’t have to lie. We must want to pass the real Princess Test of Life because it is moral, just, healthy, and selfless. To become a princess metaphorically is to be just, moral, selfless, an ally of the powerless, and all that we desire to see others do in society; to lead by example.

They say you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But Conservatism is not supposed to be attracting flies at all, because flies are not attracted to honey. They are intensely attracted to what my neighbor’s cat deposits in her litter box. Besides, as sweet as honey is, it is actually regurgitated flower nectar, so I think we Conservatives can do better than bee vomit. Instead we could offer 21st century Canadian Conservatism: a mix of traditional but inclusive moral ideals, the real justice of effective social programs, inclusion and acceptance of a full spectrum of ethnic and gender diversity without the reflexive denigration of “whiteness”, take the social and health issues that plague Native Canadians more seriously, stand up for conservative women in the feminist movement, and so on. As a Conservative man, I am trying my damnedest to pass that particular Princess Test, and I would hope that you are too.

The Princess Test really is about setting a good example, because Liberals must want to be Conservative. Fewer and fewer people think Conservatism is the Princess Test, because we are not passing it ourselves. Thus, in a way, we are the problem with Liberalism, not Liberals. People don’t want to join us because it looks like Liberalism is the Princess Test.

They can have their bee vomit, but you and I can offer a great and superior Princess Test… if we ourselves actually pass it.

Dr. Daniel Schnee is an anthropologist who studies Japanese culture and improvisation