Humboldt crash a stark reminder of the frailty of life and how we handle grief and loss

By Medicine Hat News Opinon on April 24, 2018.

Here is how things supposed to go:

You’re supposed to live a long and happy life, filled with things like dancing on your wedding day, dancing with your children on their wedding days, doting upon grandchildren and great grandchildren, and getting old, fat and wrinkly with your sweetheart.

And then, after a long life, you can head off into the great beyond or whatever afterlife you believe in.

The fatal bus crash in Humboldt reminds us that how things should go, and how they do go are not one and the same.

There’s not much that can be said about the deaths of 16 people on April 4 that hasn’t already been said.

Yet apart from a national tragedy like Humboldt? Death and grief aren’t things that Canadians are necessarily good at talking about. It’s morbid. It’s depressing. It’s impolite.

We even avoid death in how we label it: Passed away, the dearly departed, up in heaven, at peace, not with us anymore and so much more.

It’s kids gloves for the one thing not any of us will ever be able to avoid.

But especially with an aging population, we need to talk about death.

We need to have that blunt talk with loved ones about what a good death would look like — our terms for resuscitation, palliative care options — even what songs to play at the funeral.

We need to talk about organ donation and make our wishes clear. Humboldt’s Logan Boulet’s decision to sign his donor card has helped saved the lives of six people. If a 21-year-old hockey player can think about his mortality and make that decision, anyone can.

And we need to talk about grief.

Grief is messy and unpredictable. It doesn’t magically disappear in a week, month, year, or even lifetime. It rears its head on holidays, birthdays or when a song plays on the radio. It’s not something you just get over.

Yet once the funeral is over, the conversation on death is over. A stiff upper lip is expected. The support system dwindles as others move on, or avoid the topic because of discomfort and worries about saying the wrong thing.

We understand how ridiculous that approach is when we think of Humboldt — how grief and death need to be talked about, how support will be needed for friends and family for the long term, how the impact will be felt for decades in the community and nation.

And as we pick up the pieces for Humboldt, this should carry over into how we understand and practice grief day-to-day in our lives.