All Psyched Up: Pleasing others
By Linda Hancock on June 29, 2024.
So often I deal with individuals who are not mentally well because of their belief that they have to do what other people think they should do and don’t want to be judged for non-compliance. At the start of the 20th century, an American sociologist named Charles Horton Cooley said: “I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.” Sounds rather complex, doesn’t it? And almost impossible to achieve. Here are some ideas for you to ponder on this topic: 1. Inappropriate expectations – Are you listening to someone who doesn’t understand you or your dreams? Perhaps a parent or other individual is trying to see their own unfulfilled goals being achieved by you even if you aren’t interested or capable. Why are you letting the ideas of someone else haunt your days and ruin your health? 2. Power – The person who cares the least always has the most power in any relationship or situation. They don’t have to work as hard or invest as much as others – especially if they can “order” you to do things and you comply. Consider the other options that you might have which would be better for you. Maybe you need to change jobs, get more education or stand up for yourself. Bullies usually back down when confronted and it is always good to have a Plan B. 3. Misunderstanding – Perhaps communication isn’t clear enough for you to know what to do. I remember years ago on a Friday afternoon when a boss handed me a tape that was full of letters that he had dictated. He stated: “I need to have these all typed before the weekend”. Because I respected him and wanted to please, I spent hours on Friday night completing the work. He had never joked with me previously and I therefore didn’t understand that his words were given in jest! He felt foolish when he realized that I had done what he had never intended because of his misunderstood humour. 4. Apathy – Do you really believe that everyone around you is focusing all their time and energy thinking about you and your actions? That is very likely a false assumption. And if they are doing this, it tells me that they not only have too much time on their hands but also are up to no good, especially if they use their “research” to create gossip. Ignore them! 5. Old messaging – Are there things that were said to you when you were a child that still fill your thoughts? Remember that everyone on earth has had trauma, times of inappropriately saying things and have made bad choices when wording things. Perhaps the person who said something in the past doesn’t remember saying it. Maybe they aren’t even alive anymore. Forgive and let it go! 6. Silent praise – Unfortunately not everyone who admires you or is proud of your accomplishments takes the time to tell you this. Be your own best cheerleader and know that there are others who share your thoughts but just hadn’t told you yet. So what can you do if you find that you are feeling anxious and shamed: 1. Consider the source of the messages -Are you listening to people who are negative, rude and unsuccessful in their own lives? If they are not happy and attractive, that will give you an idea about how their advice doesn’t hold water. 2. Take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and actions – you can only hold one thought in your mind at a time. Choose one that will be inspiring! Acknowledge your feelings and be determined to heal. Choose goals and interests that will be yours and work towards them. Think about driving your vehicle. If you are constantly looking in the rearview mirror you are likely headed for a crash in the near future! 3. Set healthy boundaries – Even when you love and care about certain people, their influence might actually be poisoning you! Learn how to protect yourself from their caustic words. Surround yourself with positive individuals, music, outdoors and time alone so that you can build up a reservoir from which to drink! 4. Consequences – Be truthful with yourself about how it’s your choices that determine affect your health. You can’t change other people but you can limit the impact that they have on you and your time. Also, remember that thinking about what is said over and over again is a habit that makes you your own worst enemy. Have a wonderful week in which you are in charge of your life! Dr. Linda Hancock, the author of “Life is An Adventure…every step of the way” and “Open for Business Success” is a Registered Psychologist who has a private practice in Calgary. She can be reached by email at office@drlindahancock.com 17-16
