Fighting for every second

By Tim Kalinowski on September 5, 2017.

tkalinowski@medicinehatnews.com @MHNTimKal

A few months back Tanya Ellis’ nearly two-year cancer fight took a drastic turn when she was told by doctors her cancer had spread. A 42-year-old mother of two, Ellis has been public with her struggle with Stage 4 colon cancer in her social media feeds throughout her illness. A few weeks back Ellis posted another video giving her updated prognosis: Cancer untreatable, and out of surgical options, doctors have given her three years maximum to live.

Chemo for the rest of her life is her main treatment option now, says Ellis; although she is still exploring some further options in the United States. But no matter how successful these treatments ultimately are, Ellis has come to realize all she can really do is play for more time.

“We actually buried a close family friend this past week,” says Ellis, “and that brings up a whole lot of emotions for both my husband Tim and me, from different perspectives. He is going to have to figure out how to move on without me at some point, and I have to figure out how to let him go, and to let go.”

When Ellis got the bad news in June, she and her husband took her two boys, 14-year-old Tripp and 12 year-old Trigger, on a long-delayed family holiday to California before she began her bi-weekly chemo sessions again.

“We drove up the coast,” remembers Ellis with gentle smile. “My husband did all of the driving, and I was in the back seat the entire time. And we just took turns having different kids in the front or back with us, and just listening to the conversations. Tim and I talked about when we were kids, and talked about how we met. Just all the things you want to share as a family, and you want them to remember or know about you.”

She says living with what she has been living with has changed her perspective dramatically.

“I think most people, and I was probably guilty of it too, is you live your life knowing one day we are going to do this or that,” she says. “But ‘one day’ might not be there; so if there is something you really want to do you need to do it now.”

Ellis says she is preparing for the future by writing letters which she will leave behind for her sons and husband, letters which will be opened at different stages in their lives once she is gone.

“I have written letters for the boys for all the occasions, monumental or difficult, when they may need their mom. Graduations, driver’s licence, first job, first break up — I have even made notes to their future brides … They are all ready to go. I think you would always wonder ‘what would mom think?’ I know I would be that way … I do think I was scared to die my whole life. Now I am not scared to die — I am just scared for all those things I have to leave incomplete.”

Ellis says her focus is narrowing down to the most basic things as her illness progresses.

“During chemo weeks the walls get pretty small, and I am looking around at all my stuff,” she says. “And I think, why do I have all this stuff? It doesn’t mean anything anymore. There are a few key things that mean something to my kids, but for the rest of it? I feel like right now I want to live the minimalist lifestyle.”

Ellis says she is no quitter, and she will continue to claw and fight for every second of time she can get. But she also thinks about the time to come when there will be no more time. In those moments, she thinks of her kids.

“I know if something happens to me that support network is going to go beyond me,” says Ellis. “It’s going to follow my family all the way through. My kids are going to have second and third moms and fourth and fifth moms bossing them around for the rest of their lives. And that brings me comfort. I want my kids to live good lives after I go.”

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