Santa Claus has the busiest schedule of anyone on earth during December, but he always finds time for a short telephone interview with the News early in the month. This year however, he cautioned that he wasn’t sure he would be able to continue to agree to interviews into the future, because more children being born around the world means more toy-making and, thus, more attention required to be paid to the elves’ production schedules – eating into Santa’s spare time.
“I guess I can do one more interview,” said Santa. “Next year? Well, we’ll have to wait and see about that. Ho, ho, ho, ho!”
The News: Four ‘ho’s”, Santa? What’s up with that? You almost always stop after three.
Santa Claus: Inflation, my boy, inflation. And hey, if we’re happy enough to ‘ho’ three times, why not show extraordinary happiness about the Holiday Season with one more? It’s just for emphasis.
The News: Are you really extraordinarily happy about the Holiday Season, Santa? Really?
Santa: Oh, yes, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Little boys and girls put on their school pageants and go Christmas carolling, they’re on their best behaviour because they want to make sure they are not disappointed on Christmas morning, and the population in general seems to be in a happy, giving mood.
The News: Example?
Santa: Well, in your neck of the woods, for example. I see people in Medicine Hat when they’re sleeping and I know when they’re awake, as the song says, but I also see things like people clearing snow from their neighbours’ sidewalks, and other folks baking Christmas treats for those who are less fortunate. I’ve noticed the ‘tickled pinks’ have outnumbered the ‘ticked offs’ in the paper recently, which I think is a reflection of the general mood of the population at Christmas time. And that Santa Claus Fund continues to flourish, which I think is wonderful.
The News: Santa, you know that little boys and girls don’t read the ‘ticked and tickled’ section of the paper. They might read the comics (and no, I’m not talking about city council meetings), but generally, little boys and girls have other things on their mind. You know what I’m talking about, right, Santa? (Wink, wink!)
Santa: Oh, yes, I know. Toys. Games. Sweets. And that’s why I’m here. To fulfill all the wishes of little boys and girls, at least the ones who are deserving. I know if they’ve been bad or good, and I’m talking from January to December. Some little ragamuffins test their parents’ patience all year until around Nov. 15 and then all of a sudden turn on the charm, just in time for Christmas. I don’t fall for that. It’s a 12-month deal with me. Reminds me a little about politicians who save their best for the campaign trail and then forget about their promises after being elected. But don’t get me started on politicians. We have a government up here at the North Pole that can’t even keep our streets and roads clear of snow. It’s OK for me, because where we go, my sleigh-pulling reindeer don’t need roads, but sometimes my elves can’t get through the snow banks to work, and production gets delayed.
The News: Speaking of elves, what have they been working on at the workshop this year?
Santa: Light sabers are popular. Can’t go wrong with anything connected with Fortnite, Pokemon and Baby Shark. The elves just can’t stop singing that Baby Shark song and it’s in my head all the time, too. Drives me crazy at times. (“Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo.”) Those L.o.l. surprise packs are pretty popular. Marvel toys. Nerf blasters. And the old reliable things like hockey sticks, toboggans and toques are still favourites, especially in Canada. And have you heard about My Robotic Pet: Tumbling Hedgehog? Kids at malls all over the world have been asking my Santa assistants about that one for the past couple of weeks, so we’ve amped up production. The production list at our workshop has sure changed over the years. Fifty years ago, it was primarily wooden products; now it’s heavily weighted toward electronics. But the more things change, the more they stay the same.
The News: What do you mean by that Santa?
Santa: Well, the toys might change, but the reason for the season is still the same. And we still have the same constituency – little boys and girls up to around the age of eight or nine. And the weather is still the same – cold and snowy in Canada. I’m not sure about this climate change stuff, but I truly believe in the last 100 years, I’ve had more rough landings on rooftops without snow than I used to have. It’s so much smoother with a roof covered in the white stuff, you know?
The News: So will Greta Thunberg be getting a nice little something this year?
Santa: Well, it certainly won’t be a lump of coal. Ho, ho, ho! A little political joke, there, m’boy.
The News: How are things around the Claus household this year? Mrs. Claus still her jovial self?
Santa: Oh, yes, Mrs. Claus is still the most wonderful spouse a man could have at this most wonderful time of the year. She’s been baking, helping out with production schedules for the workshop, going to the North Pole mall on occasion, just to check on the competition, and taking care of me in every sense of the word. But it’s a two-way street. I take care of her, too. We’re a team. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. Thankfully, we’re two healthy adults entering our 781st year of living and still no signs of slowing down.
The News: Does Mrs. Claus still own that Mercedes you bought her a couple of years ago?
Santa: Oh yes, she deserves a vehicle like that for all the special things she does for me. If only they’d keep the roads clear up here, she could drive it more often.
The News: Do you get to read the letters little boys and girls around the world send you, or do you have a staff to take care of that?
Santa: Well, we get bags and bags and bags of mail from boys and girls around the world, so I have to hire a small staff to sort through them. They highlight a few things and bring them to my attention.
The News: What have been some of the more delightful ones this year?
Santa: Well, the one that brought a tear to my eye came from a little boy in Bow Island, right near Medicine Hat. He said he hoped to get a couple of standard toys, etc., but what he really wanted was for his friend across the street to have the merriest Christmas ever. The boy’s friend lost his dog this year, so the little guy who wrote me asked if I could give his friend the presents I was planning for him. Now that’s the Christmas spirit, so I have a little extra surprise for the boy who wrote me. He and his friend are both going to be happy on Dec. 25, if you know what I mean. Another letter came from an older woman who lives in Crescent Heights. She told me about a seven-year-old neighbour of hers who can’t wait for the snow to stop falling so he can clean off every sidewalk on the block. That little guy will be in for a pleasant surprise. And of course, I keep a special bag of goodies for those little boys and girls all over the world who are in hospital at this time of the year. They write to me and ask only for good health. I wish I had that special power.
The News: We usually have a little political chat, Santa. Are you up for a short one?
Santa: Well, I’m not too happy with the politicians I see around the world these days, but what do you want to know?
The News: Have they been good little political boys and girls?
Santa: Let’s see . Trudeau, blackface. No. Scheer? Well, he quit, so he beat me to it. That guy in Washington? Don’t get me started. Boris Johnson? I think I’ll buy a wig for his stocking. That hair of his …. yecch!
The News: Christmas is about kids, Santa. Let’s get back to business.
Santa: Yes, you’re right. Kids all over the world are wonderful, and the ones in southern Alberta are especially good. They show up at the mall, sit on the laps of my assistants, and from what I’ve heard from the weekly reports I get, they’re polite, respectful and kind. For the most part, they study hard, listen to their parents, try to be helpful and think of others’ needs before their own. But that’s the Canadian way.
