May 20th, 2019

Radio Ramblings: Tell the truth, but make it funny

By Medicine Hat News on March 14, 2019.

With marshmallow peeps and chocolate bunnies peeking their edible and delicious sugary bodies out from various household objects like plastic plants and last year’s Christmas tree in anticipation of an approaching April holiday, allow me to tell you an Easter tale full of chaos, food and enduring love.

In a small village located in the Keystone Province, my parents’ kitchen is the location where two stray dogs are tearing apart a ham while my mother sleeps, unaware her dinner is being consumed eight hours early by a pair of unwanted guests.

Dad has left the front door open again and his motto, “Any day on this side of the dirt is a good day,” will be put to the test upon his return from the Bluebird Cafe where a handful of coffee drinkers roll dice to determine who will pick up today’s java tab. There are no fewer than three phones in this old house, all of which have been incessantly ringing since 6:30 a.m., from strangers inquiring about various items put up for sale on Amazon and Kijiji or as my mom pronounces it, ‘ka-jig-a-jig’. The bathroom is adjacent to the kitchen and because I’ve forgotten to prop the door shut with a butter knife, I emerge from the shower and instantly greet my fellow kin who have decided to gather round the table for breakfast while I scramble for clothes that are worthy of liver pate on toast.

In a pure desperation manoeuvre to not discuss how a combined weight of 156 pounds of canine-friendly fur walked out of the door with the family feast, Dad is inquiring about Mother Nature’s address. He wishes to mail a calendar or at the bare-minimum, a stick-it note, complete with a happy face reminding her that the first day of spring is approaching faster than Revenue Canada’s memorandum about what you owe the feds after the latest tax year. Despite an impressive Hail Mary play in which my father suggests spring has never officially arrived until the doggy landmines and potholes make their return, the pass is shot down like a shot of cheap tequila in a cheap bar.

Confucius said “life is really simple but we insist on making it difficult’ “And while my dad has been married for 45 years, I’m wondering if he’ll see 46 years of harmonial bliss this year unless he comes clean. But I know he will. The man who taught me ‘that when you tell the truth you better make it funny’ is a true master of explaining those tough, life moments and not so tough life moments, especially when it comes to matters of the heart or in this case, honey glazed ham. Such side door shenanigans turned out to be a winning situation for all existing parties. The canine collaborators were treated to a meal far above the standard they were accustomed to while Pa treated Ma to a night out at the drive-inn two towns over for cheeseburgers and perogies.

I was inspired to attempt to put this odd anecdote down on paper and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to explain to a friend why his circular saw doesn’t perform like it did before he lent it to me. I think I’ll begin with a tall tale of unicorns and dragons and see what happens. Thanks, Dad.

And if you’ve got something on your mind, you can find Poncho weekday mornings on Medicine Hat’s Best Rock, 105.3 Rock. You can also track him down at http://www.1053rock.ca or on Twitter @ponchoparker

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