Just Pondering: My feelings

By Allyson McCaw on September 23, 2021.

I started this whole project with the idea of bringing some levity and good-natured feelings to a situation that was causing so much loneliness and unhappiness in our world. It was cathartic for me to put pen to paper and write. However, this month I am trying very hard to find any uplifting words or encouragement. I want to continue to try to find that little gem of humor or give hope but as I watch my fellow colleagues, friends and family struggle with our collapsing health-care system, I am overwhelmed.

I am overwhelmed with feelings of anger and as Dr. Linda Hancock wrote in a recent article, we know that anger stems mainly from fear. I watch the news and read the articles and wonder what is yet to come. I can honestly say that in 38 years of nursing I had never seen a doctor break down in public and cry, but that happened on Monday night. The frontline workers are just done. They cannot continue to cope. Their workplace is a war zone and they are losing the battle. I worry now about their future. Will they even stay in the business of caring for our sick? Will post traumatic stress syndrome be their new norm? How do you shift through all these conflicting feeling about caring for anyone and everyone but knowing that this was all so preventable.

On a personal note, I have two sons in the medical field and they are trying so valiantly to keep their mental status intact and carry out what is assigned to them. I am in awe of their work ethic and ability to carry on. As a parent I am, on certain days, frankly terrified for them. But they calm me down and assure me that this is not forever. This too shall pass. Funny how my words over the years come back to haunt me!

When we talk of our children it gives me pause to ask myself, would we had a different outcome if the first wave had attacked our children instead of our seniors? Would we as a nation on whole been more ready to step up and vaccinate if our children had been more adversely affected? I am beyond grateful that this was not the case, but as our children return to school and are getting sick have we forgotten them? I can only imagine what anxiety and fear they have every day as they try to keep some normalcy in their lives. Never mind the horrible feeling they must have when all the adults in their lives are torn apart.

This pandemic has now entered the phase where we are definitely not in this together, but truly the Hatfields and McCoys in warring against each other. It has caused irreversible damage to family units that will take generations to repair. Guilt and anger are very deep trenching feelings, not soon to be forgotten or forgiven.

I wish to say thank you to each and everyone of our care givers that are trying so very hard to steer the life boat against overwhelming odds. The seas are very, very rough and I know you tell me you are drowning. The majority of us hear you. I beg the powers that be to listen, and when we come out of this I plead you to have supports in place for our frontline workers. All of them. They are not going to be able to pick themselves up and carry on. They need understanding and guidance to come out of this dark place. Please.